DSA of LDM Episode Five

Deep Space Adventures of Laura's Demented Mind


Episode Five

Guest Starring Wildgal


[The dimly lit bridge of the Peril. The dragons are all gathered around Speedy-Go's contraption, their eyes glued to the monitor. We hear the Xena closing theme music, and the dragons burst into loud cheers and enthusiastic applause, as the lights come up to full.]

Alpha Draconi

Good work Speedy-Go and 2nd Shift! That was great!

Aerfen

That Xena person is one hot babe! She is my kind of woman!

Humagon

I'm kind of partial to Gabrielle myself.

Aerfen

You would be.

Humagon

What's that supposed to mean? Violence is not the answer to every problem, Aerfen. It's high time you figured that one out. Just because this is an adventure story, doesn't mean we need to be bashing heads all of the time. I think that Gabrielle brings an interesting perspective to the genre.

Aerfen

You talk too much.

Humagon

Want to make something of it?

Aerfen

Yeah. My quarters. In two minutes.

Humagon

I'll be there before you!

[The two dragons fly into the SSISTT and exit the bridge.]

Alpha Draconi

[To the retreating backs of Aerfen and Humagon, and not without a hint of sarcasm.] I guess you may be dismissed.

Logicaavik

Even dragons need to have some time for R&R,... and other pursuits, Alpha.

Alpha Draconi

I couldn't agree with you more, Logicaavik. I just wish that someone around here would at least acknowledge my captaincy once in a while.

Logicaavik

Well, you know how Our Writer feels about rank.

Alpha Draconi

Yes, I do. And I don't disagree. It's just a little unfair that she still expects me to keep you lot out of trouble.

[Alpha Draconi pouts. Logicaavik pats her on the back.]

Logicaavik

There, there.

Psi Phile

Aerfen and Humagon's preferences were a little too easy to guess. What about the rest of you?

Hippocrates

Xena's cool, but I think that Aphrodite is a riot. She's cute too!

Alpha Draconi

Aphrodite is definitely hot!

[Logicaavik, Psi Phile and Speedy-Go all nod their agreement.]

2nd Shift

I rather enjoyed the part where Joxer...

The Others

You like Joxer?!?!?!

2nd Shift

Sure. I think he's funny.

Hippocrates

Well, there's no accounting for some dragon's tastes!

Speedy-Go

Hey! 2nd Shift is entitled to her opinions.

2nd Shift

Thank-you SpeeG.

Logicaavik

Well, Joxer or no Joxer, I really enjoyed that Xena tape. Do you think Our Writer will send us anymore?

Alpha Draconi

I could try asking, but I'm a little afraid to summon her at the moment. We have yet to witness the fall-out from our little planet-side excursion.

Logicaavik

Speaking of that. Just what adventures did you get into down there?

Alpha Draconi

Ah, that is quite a story! On first inspection, the planet appeared to be totally barren...

[Everything that we see begins to distort into weird patterns, somewhat reminiscent of the ripple effect of tossing a pepple into a pond. When the image clears, it has dissolved to a flashback of the scene which the dragons first encountered upon landing on the planet surface.]

Alpha Draconi

[Voice Over.] ...there was not a tree in sight. Not a bush. Not a blade of grass. No water. No life anywhere.

[Alpha Draconi, Humagon, Aerfen, Hippocrates and Psi Phile spread out from their landing site. Hippocrates attempts to take readings with her UMET but, of course, she has no idea what she is doing. Staring incomprehensibly at the flashing lights of her UMET, she wanders away from the rest of the group and falls down a sinkhole. She is fully submerged beneath the planet's surface before she realizes what is happening. None of the others witness this incident.]

Alpha Draconi

Anything?

Humagon

Not over here.

Aerfen

Nothing but sand, sand, and more sand.

Alpha Draconi

Wait a minute. Where's Hippocrates?

[The dragons look around, puzzled.]

Alpha Draconi

Hippocrates?

Aerfen

Hippocrates!

Psi Phile

[Placing her foreclaws to her temples, in a partial CP.] Her thought waves are coming from this direction. [She wanders around in the general direction of the sinkhole.] Hang on! [She turns back to address Alpha Draconi.] I think that Hippocrates is below... [Psi Phile is unable to finish her sentence, as she steps backwards into the sinkhole and disappears from sight.]

Alpha Draconi

Psi! Oh, dear.

Humagon

What's wrong?

Aerfen

Where did Psi Phile go?

Alpha Draconi

Careful! Stand back!

Humagon

What do you mean, 'stand back'? I am the head of diplomatic relations aboard the Peril. If Hippocrates and Psi Phile have been whisked away by some alien lifeforms, I need to get to them as soon as possible.

Alpha Draconi

Humagon, no!

[Alpha Draconi's 'no!' is drowned out by Humagon's roar as she falls down the sinkhole.]

Aerfen

Don't worry lover! I will save you! I am ready to serve!

[Aerfen puffs out her chest and dives down the sinkhole after Humagon. Alpha Draconi looks around, shrugs her shoulders, and steps into the sinkhole after the others.]

[Cut to inane commercials. When we return to our story, Alpha Draconi drops through the sinkhole into a clearing in a sub-terrainian forrest, just in time to see Aerfen shoot an HBOF at a fierce-looking, humanoid female, dressed in army shorts and a tank top, with long strings of bullets slung over each shoulder and wild war-paint on her face. The fierce-looking, humanoid female, sports a machine gun in each hand. Aerfen is in a frantic warrior haze by this point. The fierce-looking, humanoid female is eyeing her with amusement. When the heat from Aerfen's HBOF nearly singes her face, the fierce-looking, humanoid female yawns and fans herself with the rag which she has been using to polish her guns.]

Alpha Draconi

Aerfen? Please explain the status of our situation.

Aerfen

I'm engaged in combat with this villainous character. Can't you see that?

Fierce-Looking, Humanoid Female

You lunch.

[The fierce-looking, humanoid female aims one of her guns at the turf inches in front of Aerfen. She lets go with a long spray of bullets which tear up the ground and cause Aerfen to jump back in surprise.]

Alpha Draconi

I can see that you are engaged in combat. I would like to know how you came to be thus engaged. Did you think to introduce yourself first?

[Aerfen's only response is to pull out two huge blades, seemingly from nowhere, and brandish them at the fierce-looking, humanoid female.]

Alpha Draconi

By the way, where are the others?

Aerfen

I don't know. This creature has obviously done something with them. Probably tortured them, or killed them, or worse! Have no fear though, Alpha, I will exact vengeance for all of our fallen comrades!

[The fierce-looking, humanoid female whistles. Her tank responds by swinging the barrel of its cannon around to point at Aerfen.]

Alpha Draconi

That's all very well and good Aerfen, but we don't actually know what happened to the others now, do we? Besides, in case you haven't noticed, there is a REALLY HUGE barrel being pointed at your backside from that contraption over there. It looks a little dangerous to me. If you're not careful, we'll both end up being lunch... or firewood.

[The fierce-looking, humanoid female marches right past Aerfen, knocking against her shoulder as she does so. She climbs onto the barrel of her tank.]

Fierce-Looking, Humanoid Female

A little dangerous? This baby could blow your scaly little ass right back to where you came from... which might not be a bad thing.

[Aerfen whips out a third blade, does a juggling act with all three, then goes into a whirling dirvish, yelling and hollering at the fierce-looking, humanoid female.]

Fierce-Looking, Humanoid Female

Take it easy sister. Your friends are fine. They are probably drunk outta' there skulls, consuming all of the beer in my tank.

Alpha Draconi

You see Aerfen? The others are okay. [She turns to the stranger.] Where, exactly, are they, if I may ask.

Aerfen

And what's beer? And how did they get to be out of their skulls? Alpha, I think this creature has drugged them!

[Aerfen continues to flail about, waving her weapons at the fierce-looking, humanoid female. The fierce-looking, humanoid female calmly lays back against her tank, cradling a machine gun in one hand. The tank's barrel still points at Aerfen.]

Fierce-Looking, Humanoid Female

[Yawning.] Are you done yet?

Alpha Draconi

Take it easy Aerfen. [She turns to the fierce-looking, humanoid female.] Please don't mind my comrade. She gets a little crazy at times. I suppose I should introduce myself. My name is Alpha Draconi, and I am the captain of an inter-galactic dragon ship, which is currently in orbit over your planet. We were getting a little bored, cruising around in the ship all of the time, so we decided to come down here and check things out for a bit. The spinny one over there is my chief of security, Aerfen. There were also three others in my group.

Fierce-Looking, Humanoid Female

I'm Wildgal. Nice to meet YOU. [She says this very pointedly at Alpha Draconi, then glares at Aerfen to let her know that she is addressing Alpha and only Alpha.] Like I said, your friends are fine. They are inside my tank, away from harm. I put them in there when they fell out of the sky and nearly landed on my head.

[Alpha Draconi walks over to the tank and yells at it. She yells down the barrel of the cannon actually, since this is the only opening which is apparent to her.]

Alpha Draconi

Humagon? Hippocrates? Psi? Are you guys all right?

Wildgal

Uh... Alpha, was it? I wouldn't stick my head in there if I were you. Big dragons don't look so grand after they are blown all to bits. Sorry, my tank has a mind of its own sometimes.

[Alpha Draconi backs away from the tank.]

Wildgal

So, you guys are like, aliens, or something? Cool. I watch the X-Files. I can deal with that.

Alpha Draconi

Yeah. We come from a long way away. From the Deep Space of Laura's Demented Mind [Alpha Draconi and Aerfen SHUDDER.] to be exact. We're on a mission to explore strange new worlds, to seek out bizarre life and insane civilizations, to boot any limiting directives out of the airlock, and to go boldly where no dragon has gone before. Do you think we might accomplish any of that down here?

Wildgal

Hmmmm.... Definitely insane civilizations. Hey Aerfen, ever hear of an insane asylum? I think they would like you. Anyways... you want strange new worlds? Hit Toronto. You can't get much weirder than that. In the meantime... [She disappears into her tank, gets a six-pack of beer from the fridge, notices that Humagon, Psi Phile and Hippocrates are all imobilized by the television, shakes her head, and climbs back out of her tank, closing the lid behind her.] ...this is beer. Heads up!

[Wildgal tosses a beer to Aerfen. Aerfen catches the beer, juggles it frantically (thinking it is a bomb) and tosses it away. In her excited state, she has lost her sense of direction, and she throws the beer right at Alpha Draconi, nearly beaning her. Alpha catches the beer. She inspects it.]

Alpha Draconi

So, this is a beer. What does it do?

Wildgal

Okay. Watch carefully now. [She opens a can of beer.] Beer is for drinking... [She demonstrates.] ...it makes you feel... different... in a very good way. See this number here? Wait... you do know what numbers are, don't you? Anyways, this 6.9% tells us how much alcohol is in the beer. The larger the number, the better the beer.

Alpha Draconi

The larger the number, the better the beer. [She has been watching Wildgal's demonstration intently and now tries it herself. She swallows a huge gulp of beer and almost gags on it, recovering her composure at the last moment.] Well... that is quite... unusual. Yes, very interesting indeed.

Aerfen

Alpha! You can't just drink that! It could be poisoned!

Alpha Draconi

Our new friend here is drinking one.

Wildgal

Aerfen, do you have any idea how hard it would be to poison an un-opened can of beer?!

Aerfen

At least let me taste-test it for you.

[Aerfen takes the beer from Alpha. She sniffs at it, peers through the mouth of the can, shakes it near her ear, etc.. Finally, she takes a sip. She swigs it around in her mouth a bit, decides that she likes it, and quickly downs the whole can.]

Aerfen

You're right Alpha. This is pretty good stuff. I think drinking that beer has made me STRONGER!

[Wildgal laughs and tosses the rest of the six-pack Aerfen's way.]

Wildgal

I guess I have enough to go around. I've never seen a drunk dragon before. [A loud belch is heard from within the tank. Wildgal pounds on the lid and hollers:] Hey! Don't drink it ALL!

[Aerfen picks up another can of beer. She can't figure out how to open it, at first. She shakes it up alot, hoping to get it to open that way. Finally, she punctures the lid with one of her talons, and the beer explodes everywhere. Aerfen jumps back in shock and horror, trying to fend off the spray of beer with high kicks and frantic beatings of her wings.]

Wildgal

There goes one perfectly fine beer to waste! Don't you know you're not supposed to shake it?! You do that again, and I'm gonna cut you off. [She turns to Alpha Draconi.] So, I guess you want your friends back, don't you? [She lifts the lid of the tank.]

Alpha Draconi

Yes. Thank-you. [She walks over to the tank and hollers down the hole.] Okay , guys! You can come out now. [She waits in anticipation for the others to come out of the tank, but no one surfaces. She then climbs up onto the tank to inspect the situation for herself. Hippocrates, Humagon, and Psi Phile are all staring at the television, with their mouths hanging open. They are also drinking beers... two-fisted.] I said, come on out!

Wildgal

Sounds like they are watching Wheel of Fortune.

Alpha Draconi

Look you lot! I don't know what Wheel of Fortune is, but I need you to come out here right now! We have finally made contact with an alien being, and I require your expertise.

Wildgal

ME, the alien?! Listen. You are the ones who fell out of the sky into MY backyard, on MY planet. You are the aliens!

[Humagon, Psi Phile, and Hippocrates crawl out of the tank. They are quite drunk and can hardly stand up.]

Wildgal

You drank it ALL, didn't you?

Alpha Draconi

I'm sorry about the beer, friend.

Wildgal

It's okay. I'm expecting a new shipment soon anyways. I got connections. [She flashes her cell phone.] So, did you three learn anything from the TV? You were down there for quite a while.

Hippocrates

[Hiccoughing.] Can I buy a vowel?

[Alpha Draconi notices the state of the rest of her crew mates. They have climbed down from the tank by now and are falling all over each other, giggling and laughing. Alpha turns to Wildgal.]

Alpha Draconi

What happened to them?

Wildgal

Well, seeing as how they drank around two dozen beers, I'd say they are feeling pretty good right now. I hope they aren't driving tonight. And I hope no one had a big dinner....

[Aerfen has finished her battle with the beer can by now and looks up to see Humagon stumbling away from the tank.]

Aerfen

Lover! You are all right!

Humagon

Beautiful one!

[Humagon and Aerfen run towards each other in slow motion, with their fore legs outstretched. The whole scene looks like some ridiculous parody of a ballet. Finally, they meet, embrace one another, and tumble to the ground, doing whatever it is that dragons do. The other dragons turn away politely. Wildgal stares right at Aerfen and Humagon, her jaw hanging open in disbelief.]

Wildgal

You guys can bend that way?!?!?!

Alpha Draconi

Er, um... Wildgal... we, um... in our culture... we don't usually watch.

Hippocrates

[Belching.] But you are correct, we dragons are quite flexible. We are anatomically designed to accomodate many interesting postures.

Wildgal

You're telling me! Wow! If only...

[Wildgal contemplates the posibilities. Psi Phile and Hippocrates follow Wildgal's gaze.]

Hippocrates

Even I've never seen THAT position before!

[Alpha Draconi slaps Hippocrates and Psi Phile.]

Alpha Draconi

Show some respect!

Psi Phile

[To Hippocrates.] Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Hippocrates

You're the telepath. You tell me.

[Psi Phile and Hippocrates run off into the woods together. Alpha Draconi shakes her head in despair.]

Alpha Draconi

I feel that I must apologize for the behaviour of my crewmates. They're not usually like this when we have company. Must be something in the air down here.

Wildgal

I wouldn't worry... so long as they use protection. Of course, since Aerfen and Humagon are both female...

Alpha Draconi

We're all of us female, actually. I never thought to ask Our Writer why that is.

Wildgal

I know your writer. The reason you are all female is quite obvious.

[Wildgal winks at Laura, wherever she may be.]

Alpha Draconi

You know Our Writer?! Wow! How well do you know her? I mean, is she truly as demented [Shudder.] as she makes herself out to be?

Wildgal

Well, she doesn't use a surname, because she doesn't want to. That's sort of abnormal in these parts. She likes to wear red tights and she cuts her hair a lot. I guess she is quite demented. Why do you think I get along with her so well? [Wildgal chuckles.] So, how long are you guys going to be down here?

Alpha Draconi

I was hoping we could look around for a bit, if that's okay with you. We don't want to get into too much trouble, because Our Writer doesn't actually know that we have left the ship. She likes to keep us ship-bound you see. Something about budget restrictions. But we were getting bored. Anyway... Our Writer is out of town at the moment, and I figured, what she doesn't know, can't hurt us. Right?

Wildgal

That may be true, but Laura is a friend of mine. [She punches a few numbers on her cell-phone.] When she's got a low budget, she's GOT a low budget. Your little trip here may be costing her her meals for the next month! Ever think of that?

Alpha Draconi

No. I guess I didn't.

Wildgal

[Into the phone.] Hey! It's Wild. Yeah. Your dragons are... You do? ... Oh. Well, do you want me to try to keep them occupied until you can get down here? ... Too busy? Uh-huh. What are you up to? ... And you didn't invite me?! Some friend you are. ... Fine, just leave me to deal with YOUR insane creations all by myself. What were you on when you made them, anyway? ... Okay. See ya'.

Alpha Draconi

What is that?

Wildgal

What?

Alpha Draconi

That thing you were just talking to.

Wildgal

This? Oh, it's nothing. Nothing with which you need to concern yourself.

[Psi Phile and Hippocrates return to the clearing, followed closely by Aerfen and Humagon. Aerfen is tucking her many weapons back into their appropriate nooks and crannies.]

Wildgal

If you lot are going to stick around for a while, maybe you could help me scare up some dinner.

[Wildgal tosses a machine gun to Aerfen. When it becomes obvious that Aerfen has no idea what to do with it, Wildgal walks over to her and demonstrates.]

Wildgal

Let's hunt for some fish. [She fires into the stream, and a fish is blasted out of the water, onto the bank.] See? Just like that.

[Aerfen examines the machine gun. She points it at the stream and pulls back on the trigger. She is unprepared for the kick-back, and still tipsy from the beer, and she falls over backwards. Alpha Draconi rolls her eyes. Aerfen picks herself up, then breathes an HBOF onto the machine gun.]

Aerfen

She's trying to kill me with that thing!

Wildgal

Hey! I didn't give you one of my guns so you could melt it all to scrap. It's not my fault that you can't handle its kick.

[Hippocrates walks over to the machine gun. She picks it up and examines it. Of course, she is holding the gun so that the barrel is pointed towards her own face.]

Wildgal

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [She tackles Hippocrates and wrests the gun from her.] You got an early death wish?

[Psi Phile takes the gun. She immediately starts to shake and she drops to her knees in her Concentration Pose.]

Psi Phile

Ooh. I am getting very bad vibes from this contraption. I don't think that it is a friendly device at all. Oh. Oh! I am sensing pain. Destruction. Fear.

[Psi Phile is swaying by this point. She is holding the gun to her temples in an attempt to suck more of its 'vibes' into her consciousness. Wildgal grabs the gun back.]

Wildgal

Listen. I was wrong to let you guys play with this. It's not meant for your ... claws. Sorry, but I'm holding the guns from now on. Anyways... [She blasts a few hundred bullets into the stream and watches in satisfaction as the spray of fish land on the bank.] ... there. That should do it. Watch out for the bullets when eating these babies. You'll chip your teeth on them. Anyone got a match?

[The dragons all demonstrate their lack of a need for such flame creation devices as matches. As the multiple HBOF's fill the picture, we fade to commercials.]


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