Deep Space Adventures of Laura's Demented Mind
Episode Three - Conclusion
Voice of Computer [Which sounds suspiciously like the Voice of Humagon.]
Previously on Deep Space Adventures ...Logicaavik One
Hippocrates. Good. You're here. As you can see, it is critical that we repair those doors before the entire ship falls apart. Now, here is a sheet of metal which has conveniently appeared out of nowhere ...[Cut to ... Hippocrates dislodging the door.]
Hippocrates
Oops![Cut to ...]
Alpha Draconi
I've got to get the focus away from that blasted SSISTT.Voice of Laura
Will you settle for encountering an unmanned capsule, adrift in space, with some interesting cargo aboard?Alpha Draconi
Do I have a choice?[Back on the bridge, red lights are flashing everywhere, the siren is unbelievably loud, and pandemonium has broken loose.]
Alpha Draconi
What's going on?[Logicaavik One is trying to give orders, but no one can hear her over the wail of the siren.]
Alpha Draconi
Cancel red alert!Logicaavik One
What?!Alpha Draconi
Cut the sirens! I can't hear myself think!Logicaavik One
I can't hear you! The siren is too loud! Shall I turn it off?!Alpha Draconi
What?!Logicaavik One
The siren!Alpha Draconi
It's too loud! Shut it off!Logicaavik One
What?![Alpha Draconi runs off set and grabs the megaphone from the empty director's chair. She returns to the command centre, stands on her chair and screams through the megaphone.]
Alpha Draconi
Writer preserve us! Cut the blasted siren![The siren stops. Alpha sinks into her chair, shaking her head. She groans and rubs her temples.]
Alpha Draconi
Hippocrates, I have a headache.[Hippocrates rushes over to Alpha Draconi with a Trans-Dermal Medication Spray-Applicator Thingy which she applies to Alpha's neck. Alpha Draconi slumps to the floor, unconscious.]
Aerfen
You idiot! You've killed the captain![Hippocrates prods Alpha Draconi's body with a Universal Medical Examination Tool which she obviously has no idea how to use. The UMET emits some bells and whistles.]
Hippocrates
No ... No! She's just stunned.Logicaavik One
Give me that![Logicaavik One grabs the TDMSAT, alters a setting on it and re-injects Alpha Draconi. Alpha immediately regains consciousness, jumps up and executes a series of cartwheels and backflips around the bridge, whooping and hollering as she does so.]
Alpha Draconi
Whoo-ee! I am wired!Psi Phile
I'll have what she's having.Logicaavik One
Sorry Psi.[Logicaavik One hands the TDMSAT back to Hippocrates.]
Alpha Draconi
All right! Battle stations everyone!Logicaavik One
Battle stations? We're not under attack.Alpha Draconi
Then why did you put us on red-alert?Logicaavik One
I was trying to get your attention.Alpha Draconi
I see. Well, very effective Logicaavik, but next time, you might try just knocking on my door first.Logicaavik One
Duly noted Alpha.Alpha Draconi
So, for what did you want my attention?Logicaavik One
Look.[Logicaavik One points to the forward viewscreen. An unmanned capsule, adrift in space, lies directly in the Peril's path. It's image is rapidly expanding in the viewscreen.]
Logicaavik One
We're on a collision course with That Thing.Alpha Draconi
What is it?Logicaavik One
I don't know.Alpha Draconi
What do you recommend we do about it?Logicaavik One
We could bring the Peril to a full stop, thus avoiding colliding with whatever That Thing is.Alpha Draconi
Not a particularly exciting option, but I'm willing to go with it this time. ACILP engines full stop.Humagon
All engines reading full stop.[The image of the space capsule becomes still.]
Aerfen
We're being scanned![Sure enough, a sparkling beam of light flashes out from the space capsule towards the Peril. The light beam penetrates the hull of the Peril and slowly sweeps across the bridge. As the dragons become engulfed in the strange light, they begin to shake convulsively. Once the entire bridge has been scanned, the strange light fades out, and the dragons variously slump back into their chairs or crumple to the deck like rag dolls.]
Hippocrates
I hope we're not going to be scanned too often if it's going to be like this every time.[The dragons pick themselves up and resume their posts, all except for Psi Phile who lies supine on the deck with a glazed expression on her face.]
Psi Phile
I don't know ... It was pretty good for me.Alpha Draconi
Get up Psi. I might need your input in this encounter.Aerfen
Incoming message from the Thing.Alpha Draconi
On screen.[The forward viewscreen switches to an image of daVinci's antevitruvian man.]
Incoming Message
Greetings! We come in peace.Alpha Draconi
Hello.Incoming Message
Salut! Nous arrivons en paix.Alpha Draconi
Yes. Hello.Incoming Message
Buenos días! Llegamos en paz.Alpha Draconi
I know that. Who are you?Incoming Message
Guten Tag! Wir kommen in Frieden.Alpha Draconi
Why does it keep repeating itself?Aerfen
I believe the incoming message is pre-recorded.Alpha Draconi
Doesn't it say anything else?Incoming Message
Ave! Venimus in pacem.Aerfen
Apparently not.Alpha Draconi
Well then, turn it off.Aerfen
Audio off.Alpha Draconi
Why does that man have four arms and four legs? He looks like a human, but, last time I checked, they only have two of each.Humagon
Could it be a feature of Laura's Demented Mind? [Shudder.]Alpha Draconi
Extra limbs?Humagon
Well, look at 2nd Shift.Speedy-Go
I don't believe the figure is intended to be interpreted as having four arms and four legs - at least, not all at the same time.Logicaavik One
What do you mean?Speedy-Go
The image is meant to convey the idea that the man can move his arms and legs into different positions.Logicaavik One
Then why not just animate the image?Speedy-Go
Unknown.Alpha Draconi
So we've established that the humans have sent us a repetitive, misleading message. Now what?Humagon
I think we should attempt to bring That Thing on board. Analyse its contents. See if they yield any useful information.Aerfen
I think we shoud arm our Death to Anything Which Gets In the Way torpedoes and obliterate That Thing from the Deep Space of Laura's Demented [Shake, rattle and roll.] Mind.Humagon
That Thing has shown no hostile intent.Aerfen
It hasn't shown otherwise.Humagon
It's said that it comes in peace!Aerfen
Talk is cheap![Humagon bristles. Alpha Draconi steps in between the two dragons before the situation can escalate any further.]
Alpha Draconi
That's enough! We are not here to fight amongst ourselves. We are here to explore strange new worlds, etc., etc.. That Thing may not be an entire world, but it's obviously meant to be a representation of one and it's definitely strange. I for one would like to see what's inside it.Aerfen
I object!Alpha Draconi
Of course you do. Scan the Thing.Aerfen
Scanning ...Alpha Draconi
Are there any lifeforms on board?Aerfen
No.Alpha Draconi
Any weaponry of any kind?Aerfen
None that I can identify.Alpha Draconi
Explosives?Aerfen
No.Alpha Draconi
Poisonous gasses?Aerfen
No.Alpha Draconi
Sentient lumps of silicone which don't register on our carbon-based lifeform detectors but which never-the-less could be plotting our untimely demise?Aerfen
I don't believe so.Alpha Draconi
Then we bring That Thing on board.Aerfen
It could still be a trap.Alpha Draconi
In which case, we'll have some excitement around here. Release the Remote Control Tug unit.2nd Shift
Releasing RCT unit.[The forward viewscreen reverts to the image of the unmanned capsule, adrift in space. The RCT unit can be seen leaving the Peril and flying over to the capsule.]
Alpha Draconi
Take her in slowly. We don't want to damage anything.[The RCT inches closer to the capsule and extends its super-grip suction pads.]
Alpha Draconi
Engage suction.2nd Shift
Suction is engaged and holding. Hull integrity of That Thing is stable.Alpha Draconi
Excellent. Bring her in.[The RCT drags the capsule in towards the Peril.]
2nd Shift
RCT unit and its tow are secure in the port docking bay. That Thing's hull is intact. No! Wait! As soon as the docking bay repressurized, That Thing's hull began to crack open. Now its contents are spewing out all over the bay.Aerfen
I'd better get down there![Aerfen rushes for the SSISTT which (of course) does not arrive in time. There is no longer any door into which to crash, so Aerfen falls right into the shaft.]
Aerfen
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!!!!!!!!!!!!Humagon
She will remember that dragons can fly before she hits the bottom, won't she?Alpha Draconi
I wouldn't begin to hazard a guess. You'll have to ask Our Writer that one.Humagon
Our Writer! Can you hear me? You won't let Aerfen hurt herself, will you?Voice of Laura
Don't worry. Aerfen's little joy ride down the SSISTT shaft is occurring with my full protection. I need her to arrive at the docking bay in one piece.Humagon
Thank-you.Alpha Draconi
It's good to hear that you still care.Voice of Laura
What's that supposed to mean?Alpha Draconi
It's been a while. I was beginning to fear that you had abandonned us.Voice of Laura
Abandoned you?! I just appeared in part one of this very episode.Alpha Draconi
That was weeks ago in real time.Voice of Laura
What's real?Alpha Draconi
You know perfectly well what I'm talking about! You haven't been writing much lately. I was afraid you might have abandoned this script.Voice of Laura
I've been writing lots. I send out over 50 emails a week. Not to mention the fact that I'm writing for The Outer Rim now.Alpha Draconi
So we're just tossed by the wayside?Voice of Laura
No ... No! Look, I'm sorry. I know that I've fallen behind on this story. I've been really busy with work lately, not to mention TOR, my CL duties, and the TV station.Alpha Draconi
And Xena.Voice of Laura
Yes, and Xena. And I did take some time out to go to a concert Friday night.Alpha Draconi
What concert was that?Voice of Laura
The Wyrd Sisters in performance with Orchestra London.Alpha Draconi
How was it?Voice of Laura
It was fabulous! (And a rare treat for this cultural-backwater town, let me tell you!)Alpha Draconi
Well, I'm glad that you enjoyed yourself.Voice of Laura
I did! Thanks, Alpha. And Alpha ...Alpha Draconi
Yes?Voice of Laura
I'm sorry about being gone for so long. I am committed to this script and to you dragons. I will try to make more time for you from now on.Alpha Draconi
Thank-you. It means a lot to me to hear you say that. [Aside, to Logicaavik One:] I'll believe it when I see it.Voice of Laura
I heard that!Alpha Draconi
Let's just get back to the story.Voice of Laura
All right. Don't you think you had better send someone after Aerfen? There might not be anything left to that space capsule for you lot to investigate if you leave her alone with it for too long.[Cut to the port docking bay where the contents of the capsule lie in a pile on the middle of the deck. The pile contains various well-preserved food stuffs, (for lack of a better term) several books, newspapers, and a video tape. Aerfen has pulled a 'pizza pop' away from the rest of the items and is holding it at bay with the point of her sword. Humagon enters the docking bay just as Aerfen stabs the pizza pop. The pizza pop (of course) EXPLODES, covering Aerfen, Humagon, the RCT, the space capsule and its contents, and the entire docking bay in tomato sauce.]
Humagon
That's disgusting!Aerfen
I told you it was a trap.Return to the Table of Contents
Go to Episode [1] [2] [3a] [3b] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8]
All material on this site is © 1997-2001 by Laura, except where otherwise noted.