Deep Space Adventures of Laura's Demented Mind
Episode Four
Alpha Draconi
What happened down there?Humagon
Don't ask.Aerfen
This would have been a lot less messy if you'd allowed me to obliterate that Thing when it was still outside. It didn't contain anything interesting anyway.Alpha Draconi
What did you find?Humagon
Samples of 20th century, North American food.Aerfen
You call that stuff food?Humagon
I didn't say it was gourmet, but I do believe that some humans consume it.Alpha Draconi
Exactly what are these samples?Humagon
There was a piece of freeze-dried ice cream.Alpha Draconi
Was?Humagon
Well, when we opened the package to examine it, it started to melt, so, naturally, we had to eat it.Alpha Draconi
Naturally. How did it taste?Aerfen
It was warm ice cream! How do you think it tasted?Humagon
It was pretty weird.Alpha Draconi
What else?Humagon
There was a blue box containing elbow noodles and a packet of orange powder.Alpha Draconi
How did that taste?Humagon
The noodles were a little dry and didn't taste like much at all.Aerfen
The cardboard was easier to chew.Alpha Draconi
And the orange powder?[Humagon and Aerfen look at one another, then back to Alpha Draconi.]
Humagon
Neither of us was brave enough to try the orange powder.Aerfen
It wasn't a question of bravery. I just don't think that part is meant to be eaten.Humagon
Why else would it be there?Aerfen
Maybe it's like those little packages of beads they put in shoe boxes.2nd Shift
Why do they put those little packages of beads in shoe boxes?Alpha Draconi
Never mind the little packages of beads. What else did you find?Humagon
There was a half-moon shaped pastry shell which used to contain tomato sauce and pepperoni.Alpha Draconi
Am I to judge from your appearances that the tomato sauce is no longer contained within the half-moon shaped pastry shell?Humagon
That is a fair assumption, Alpha. [She licks a stray blob of tomato sauce off of her elbow.]Alpha Draconi
What else was down there?Humagon
Some printed materials.Aerfen
But all of the text was obliterated by the exploding tomato sauce!Psi Phile
That's disgusting.Aerfen
It's a conspiracy, that's what it is!Alpha Draconi
How so Aerfen?Aerfen
Come on now! Can't you see it? It's classic! Just as the intrepid investigators are about to discover important documents, the evidence is conveniently destroyed.The Others
By an exploding pastry shell?!Aerfen
That's the genius of it! Who would suspect a seemingly inert little pastry shell of containing such a destructive force?Logicaavik
Why would the humans send us those printed materials if they didn't want us to read them?Aerfen
Perhaps they intend to drive us insane with curiosity.Alpha Draconi
[Aside to Psi Phile.] Make sure you schedule a few sessions with Aerfen this week to address issues of paranoia.Psi Phile
Oh yeah!Alpha Draconi
Were you able to salvage anything?Humagon
Just this. [She hands the video tape to Alpha Draconi.]Alpha Draconi
What is it?Humagon
I believe that the tape which you can see through that window contains audio and visual information.Alpha Draconi
Information on what?Humagon
Unknown. When we cleaned the tomato sauce off of the plastic casing, three characters were revealed. See? There, on the edge of the case.Alpha Draconi
X:WP. X:WP? What does that mean?Humagon
I'm not familiar with that acronym.Alpha Draconi
Speedy-Go. See if you can find a way to retrieve the information stored on this tape. I want a full report by the end of your shift.Speedy-Go
I'm on it. 2nd Shift, I could use your assistance.[Speedy-Go and 2nd Shift exit into the SSISTT.]
Alpha Draconi
Aerfen and Humagon, I could use you back at your stations. We're approaching a planetary system.Humagon
Any signs of sentient life?Logicaavik
We haven't detected anything so far, but one of the inner planets does possess an atmosphere capable of supporting carbon-based life forms.Humagon
And if we find life... will we be making contact?Alpha Draconi
That's the plan.Humagon
What if they don't have long range communications?Alpha Draconi
Then we'll have to go right in there.The Others
We're going planet-side?!Alpha Draconi
I'm about ready to get off this ship. Are the rest of you up for it?[There is much hooting and hollering, cheering and jumping for joy amongst the bridge crew.]
Alpha Draconi
All right then, settle down. We need to plan our approach.Humagon
Our Writer has really cleared us for a planet-side episode?Alpha Draconi
That which Our Writer doesn't know, won't hurt us.The Others
Woa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Humagon
Wait a minute...Logicaavik
You mean Our Writer is unaware of your plans?Aerfen
Don't you think this could be dangerous?Alpha Draconi
Our Writer is out of town all day, shooting a piece for the TV station. She doesn't ever need to know.Psi Phile
If you honestly believe she won't find out, you must be suffering from some pretty serious delusions Alpha.Alpha Draconi
So she'll find out. What is she going to do about it, after the fact? Probably thank us when the change of scenery causes a massive boost in our ratings.Logicaavik
And if we don't get increased ratings?Alpha Draconi
We're not going to gain anything without some risk. You babies can sit around here on the bridge all day, waiting for the Peril to hit something, if you like, but I'm going planetside. Now... who's with me?[The dragons look around at one another. Finally, Aerfen steps forward.]
Aerfen
I am ready to serve!Humagon
If Aerfen's going, I guess I'm in too. Someone's got to keep her in line.[Aerfen snorts, emitting an HBOF. Humagon snorts right back at her, and the two HBOF's collide in mid air, creating a glorious display of fireworks.]
Hippocrates
You should have medical personnel with you on any away team.Psi Phile
Especially the likes of this one. I'm in too.Alpha Draconi
[Rolling her eyes, aside to Logicaavik.] This ought to be interesting.Logicaavik
[Aside to Alpha Draconi.] You asked for volunteers. [Aloud.] I guess I'm staying behind to hold down the fort.Alpha Draconi
I know I can count on you to keep the Peril in one piece in my absence, Logicaavik.Logicaavik
I just hope I can count on you lot not to get yourselves killed down there.Aerfen
Have no fears! I will take care of everything!Logicaavik
That's what I'm afraid of.Alpha Draconi
All right then. Enough chit-chat. Away-team, how long will it take you to assemble on the launch pad with all of your gear?Aerfen
I'll need to make a trip to the weapons locker. I, of course, am fully armed at all times...Logicaavik
At ALL times?!Humagon
[Nodding her head, knowingly.] At ALL times.Aerfen
[Ignoring the interuption.] ...but I need to pick up some gear for the rest of you.Hippocrates
I should put together a medical kit ... assuming I can figure out what to bring.Psi Phile
I'll help you pack.Humagon
I'd say we're looking at a good half hour here, Alpha.Alpha Draconi
Be there in five minutes.[Alpha Draconi exits into the SSISTT. The other away team members look to one another, variously sighing and shrugging their shoulders. They exit after Alpha Draconi.]
Logicaavik
Aah! Peace at last.[Logicaavik gets up and paces across the deck a couple of times. She makes a tour of the bridge, inspecting the various workstations in turn. When she arrives at the Operations console, she tentatively reaches out and taps a control. The Ops console emits a beep, and the bridge lights dim slightly. Logicaavik jumps back, startled, but, when nothing more happens, she becomes bold and punches a few more controls. The console emits a different note each time. Intrigued, Logicaavik sits down at the Ops station. She continues to hit random controls. Intent on her musical composition by this point, she is oblivious to the flashing lights, moving bulkheads, and other effects which her actions are having on the Peril's operations. The music builds into a grand crescendo, until Logicaavik, with much flourish, slams her foreclaw into the console one last time. Fully expecting a loud cymbal crash, Logicaavik is instead greeted by a fizzling whine, as the lights, along with every workstation on the bridge, shut down. Logicaavik looks around sheepishly and slowly backs away from Ops. She backs right into the Command Centre of the bridge and bumps into Alpha Draconi's chair. Turning and seeing the captain's chair, Logicaavik remembers that she is in charge now, and she ceremoniously takes up her position. She shifts around a bit, trying to get comfortable. Then she decides that she likes this chair. She reclines against the back rest, stretches out to her full length, and begins to preen her talons.]
Voice of Laura
Enjoying the big chair, Logicaavik?Logicaavik
[Sitting up, startled.] Our Writer!Voice of Laura
Yes? Lights![The bridge lights snap back on.]
Logicaavik
What are you doing here?Voice of Laura
What do you mean, what am I doing here? This is my demented mind. [Logicaavik shudders.] I live here.Logicaavik
Yes. Of course. I only meant that... I'd heard you were out of town today.Voice of Laura
I was. Just got back. So... where are the others?Logicaavik
The Others?Voice of Laura
Yes. You know, Alpha Draconi, Aerfen,... your crewmates.Logicaavik
Oh. Them.[The SSISTT doors open. (Yes, they've been inexplicably repaired by this point in the story. It's just YATI.) and Speedy-Go and 2nd Shift enter, wheeling a cart which houses their new contraption.]
Speedy-Go
Logicaavik. 2nd Shift and I have devised a means of extracting the information contained in the cassette from the space capsule. Are the others...Logicaavik
Ahem!Speedy-Go
Are the others b-...Logicaavik
Ahem! Ahem! [Logicaavik jerks her head towards the ceiling.]2nd Shift
Something caught in your throat Logicaavik? I am trained in the arts of providing assistance to choking dragons.Voice of Laura
She's fine 2nd Shift.2nd Shift and Speedy-Go
Our Writer!Voice of Laura
Hello dragons. Interesting looking machine you have there.Speedy-Go
Thank-you.Voice of Laura
Now. Where did you say the others are?[Logicaavik looks to Speedy-Go, who looks to 2nd Shift, who looks back to Logicaavik.]
Logicaavik
They're busy.Voice of Laura
Busy where?Logicaavik
Well... I can't exactly say where.Voice of Laura
Can't? Or won't?Logicaavik
I don't exactly know where they are... exactly.Voice of Laura
I see.Logicaavik
You do?Voice of Laura
Sure. If you don't know where the others are, then you don't know where they are. Exactly.Logicaavik
Exactly!Voice of Laura
Exactly.Logicaavik
So, um... how was your shoot?Voice of Laura
It was long.Logicaavik
What were you shooting?Voice of Laura
A day in the life of a touring stage show.Logicaavik
That sounds interesting. Did you get to see the show?Voice of Laura
Oh, yeah.Logicaavik
How was it?Voice of Laura
It was... it was cute.Logicaavik
[Aside to Speedy-Go and 2nd Shift.] She wasn't impressed.Voice of Laura
Well, it was a fun show, a feel-good show.Speedy-Go
[To 2nd Shift.] She wasn't impressed.Voice of Laura
It was a valiant effort. I would like to have the opportunity to manage a show of that magnitude.2nd Shift
But you weren't impressed.Voice of Laura
You know me.Logicaavik
You don't impress easily.Voice of Laura
It's difficult, when you've worked with some of the talents with whom I've worked, to settle for less.Logicaavik
You're too young to be so jaded.Voice of Laura
[Sighing.] I know.[Logicaavik has run out of questions. She looks to Speedy-Go and 2nd Shift for contributions, but they are no help. Just before the lull in the conversation becomes dangerous, the SSISTT doors open, and Alpha Draconi and the rest of the gang spill out onto the bridge, looking somewhat the worse for wear.]
Voice of Laura
Well. I see that you lot have been busy.Alpha Draconi
Our Writer!Voice of Laura
Yes.Alpha Draconi
You're back!Voice of Laura
Yes.Alpha Draconi
Good. Well,... you're right. We have been busy. Very busy.Voice of Laura
Glad to hear it dragons. Well, I shall leave you to your video. Enjoy.[The dragons all pause, waiting to see if Our Writer is really gone. Alpha Draconi turns to Logicaavik.]
Alpha Draconi
Does she know?[Logicaavik looks to Speedy-Go and 2nd Shift. Speedy-Go and 2nd Shift look back to Logicaavik. All three turn to Alpha Draconi, contorting their faces as they are unsure how to respond.]
Alpha Draconi
She knows.Logicaavik
I fear that she does.Alpha Draconi
Why didn't she say anything?Logicaavik
Unknown.Alpha Draconi
Well, there's no use in just sitting here, waiting for the axe to fall. Let's see what Speedy-Go and 2nd Shift have cooked up for us here.[The dragons all gather around Speedy-Go's contraption, as we dissolve to inane commercials.]
Return to the Table of Contents
Go to Episode [1] [2] [3a] [3b] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8]
All material on this site is © 1997-2001 by Laura, except where otherwise noted.