Deep Space Adventures of Laura's Demented Mind
Episode Three - Part One
[D.S. Peril fly-bys on a star drop, set to space adventure music with voice over of Alpha Draconi: 'These are the voyages of the Dragon Ship Peril.' etc. etc. Credits scroll by, and we cut to the bridge of the Peril where Humagon, Speedy-Go and Psi Phile are spilling out of the SSISTT. Logicaavik One relinquishes her post at Conn to Humagon and moves to the command centre.]
Logicaavik One
Where's Alpha Draconi?Speedy-Go
Hippocrates is treating Alpha and Aerfen for injuries which they sustained during recent altercations with the SSISTT.Logicaavik One
I see. Well, we need someone to operate the weapons console.[By stretching to her full length, 2nd Shift is able to work the weapons console with her foreclaws while maintaining control of Ops with her tail.]
Logicaavik One
Do you not also require our good doctor's services Speedy?Speedy-Go
No, Logicaavik. My exoskeleton is able to withstand impacts up to four thousand times greater than biological dragon flesh. The SSISTT came out significantly the worse for wear than I in our dispute.[Speedy-Go indicates the doors to the SSISTT which now contain a huge dent. A dent which is shaped suspiciously like Speedy-Go's cranium. Logicaavik One looks at the damaged bulkhead, then at Speedy-Go, then back at the bulkhead. She frowns and turns to Psi Phile, who shrugs.]
Psi Phile
If it's any consolation, I don't remember that dent being there before either.Logicaavik One
I suppose we'll have to do something about it all the same. Maintenance to the bridge.[The dragons look around at one another.]
Humagon
I don't think we have any designated maintenance personnel on board the Peril.[2nd Shift realizes that this is another position which she is expected to fill. She first tries to reach the SSISTT with one of her snouts, but none of her necks are long enough. She then attempts various acrobatics but in no position can she work on Ops, weapons control and the SSISTT simultaneously.]
Logicaavik One
Never mind, 2nd Shift. We'll deal with the bulkhead later. Let's see how Hippocrates is doing with her patients. Bridge to sickbay.Voice of Hippocrates
Hippocrates here, Logicaavik. Go ahead.Logicaavik One
Are you able to help Alpha and Aerfen? I trust that they have not sustained any permanent injuries.Voice of Hippocrates
They'll be as good as new in no time. I think I'm starting to get the hang of the equipment down here.Voice of Alpha Draconi
Ow! Ow! My snout!Voice of Aerfen
Watch it you clumsy quack!Logicaavik One
I'm glad to hear it Hippocrates. Bridge out.[Cut to sickbay where Hippocrates is expertly adjusting the setting on her laser scalpel.]
Hippocrates
This won't hurt a bit.[Hippocrates begins a smooth slice. Camera then pans to Hippocrates' target. Alpha and Aerfen sit on an exam table, bound to each other by a ridiculous tangle of bandages which snake all around their heads. Hippocrates is attempting to separate them with the scalpel. Cut to inane commercials.]
[Interior of a SSISTT pod. Alpha Draconi and Aerfen are inside, their heads ridiculously over-bandaged with cut-outs for their eyes, ears and snouts. In an attempt to comply with an overly literal interpretation of Alpha Draconi's 'Just make it look good,' command, Hippocrates has finished off both head pieces with huge bows.]
Voice of Alpha Draconi
Captain's Personal Log. I have been instructed to refer to these musings as my 'personal log' even though The Powers That Be will likely make every word of every entry available to the commanding officers of other vessels and space stations in future incarnations of Deep Space Adventures, and those officers will quote freely and publicly from my supposedly 'personal' log entries.Aerfen
It's taking the SSISTT a rather long time to get to the bridge.Alpha Draconi
That's because I needed to record a voice-over of my log entry during this scene, and now you and I are having this conversation. We'll arrive at our destination as soon we stop talking.Aerfen
Oh.[The two dragons turn from each other and face directly out to the camera, indicating that they are ready to disembark. Sure enough, the pod slows to a halt, and the doors open onto the bridge - right on cue. Alpha Draconi and Aerfen step out onto the bridge and take up their positions.]
Alpha Draconi
St_ts?Logicaavik One
I beg your pardon?Alpha Draconi
St_ts?Logicaavik One
I don't understand what you're saying.Alpha Draconi
ST_TS!!![Logicaavik One shakes her head. She still doesn't understand. Alpha Draconi's bandages have shifted so that they are now constricting her jaw and impeding her speech. She tries to pull them back into place but cannot. Finally, she unwinds the entire bandage (this takes quite some time) and throws the whole works onto the deck. She snorts in contempt, and the discarded mess is incinerated in an HBOF. She turns back to Logicaavik One.]
Alpha Draconi
Status?Logicaavik One
The ACILP engines are operating well within acceptable parameters.Alpha Draconi
Splendiferous.Logicaavik One
But we have a new problem.[Logicaavik One indicates the damaged SSISTT doors, which now feature Speedy-Go Dragon's silhouette as a large, gaping hole - straight through the bulkhead.]
Alpha Draconi
Oh yeah. I suppose we'd better get maintenance to do something about that.Logicaavik One
We haven't got any maintenance crew.Alpha Draconi
Right you are Logicaavik. Well then, perhaps you could take over at Ops for a while, and 2nd Shift would then be free to do a little maintenance work.Logicaavik One
Aren't you the least bit concerned?Alpha Draconi
I said we'd fix the hole, didn't I?Logicaavik One
No. I mean about how it got there.Alpha Draconi
Speedy-Go smashed her head into those doors in the last episode. Surely you remember that.Logicaavik One
Of course I remember, but that hole has just appeared now. Before you and Aerfen arrived on the bridge, it was only a dent, and back when Speedy-Go first collided with those doors, there was no visible damage at all. Don't you find it the least bit disconcerting that the bulkhead has apparently begun to deteriorate after the fact?Alpha Draconi
No. That's just YATI.Logicaavik One
What's YATI?Alpha Draconi
Yet Another Trek Inconsistency. Our Writer decided between last episode and this that Speedy-Go's exoskeleton is considerably stronger and more resilient than the Peril's bulkheads. Therefore, the SSISTT doors had to be damaged.Logicaavik One
I thought you said this wasn't 'Star Trek'.Alpha Draconi
It isn't, but Laura's Demented [Shudder.] Mind has spent enough time within the universe of 'Star Trek' to be familiar with its writing conventions.Humagon
I think you're treading on dangerous ground there Alpha.Alpha Draconi
How so?Humagon
Our Writer won't be happy if she catches you using 'Star Trek' lingo on Deep Space Adventures, especially in reference to her writing. We certainly don't want to incur her wrath.Alpha Draconi
Our Writer is too busy watching that Xena thing to notice.Humagon
She still puts in an appearance every once in a while, and there's no telling when she might be out there lurking. I'd feel a lot better if we could stay away from that YATI term.Alpha Draconi
So would I, Humagon, so would I, but I fear we'll be encountering plenty more YATI before these adventures are through.Humagon
I'm sure you're right Alpha, but do we need to always call it for what it is? It just seems awfully dangerous, given that Our Writer controls our very existence.Alpha Draconi
You do have a point there. All right. How about this? If Our Writer asks, we'll say that YATI stands for: Yet Another Technical Inconsistency.Humagon
That'll work.Alpha Draconi
Good. Right then. Logicaavik, you have the bridge. I'll be in my Ready Lair if anyone needs me.Logicaavik One
What about the damaged bulkhead? I'm afraid it might continue to get worse if we leave it any longer.Alpha Draconi
That's a very real possibility.[Alpha Draconi looks around the bridge for a dragon to recruit as maintenance personnel. Everyone is otherwise engaged, except for Psi Phile. Alpha's eyes lock with Psi Phile's for a fraction of a second before Psi Phile realizes what is about to be asked of her. Psi Phile immediately flings herself to her knees and takes up her Concentration Pose. Alpha Draconi rolls her eyes and turns to Logicaavik One.]
Alpha Draconi
Perhaps you could ask Hippocrates to come up here and fill in for maintenance. I'm sure she's due for some more air-time anyway.[Alpha Draconi exits to her Ready Lair. Cut to commercials. If at all possible, this set is even more inane than the last. When we return to the Peril, Hippocrates is in the SSISTT en route to the bridge.]
Voice of Hippocrates
Chief Medical Officer's Log. I have been called to the bridge, presumably to fulfil my contract stipulation regarding air-time. Our Writer didn't have enough for me to do as a physician in this episode, so I have been asked to take on a maintenance task. At least TPTB haven't asked me to dance - yet.[The SSISTT pod arrives at the bridge, but the doors have deteriorated to such a point by now that their motion-control mechanism is damaged. The pod doors open, but the bulkhead doors jam, and Hippocrates has to squeeze herself through Speedy-Go's silhouette in order to exit the pod.]
Logicaavik One
Hippocrates. Good. You're here. As you can see, it is critical that we repair those doors before the entire ship falls apart. Now, here is a sheet of metal which has conveniently appeared out of nowhere...Hippocrates
Out of nowhere?Logicaavik One
It's just YATI. I've no time to explain now. Here is a hammer, and here are some nails. All you need to do is nail the sheet of metal over the hole in the doors. No hi-tech gadgetry whatsoever. Do you think you can handle it?Hippocrates
No problem.Logicaavik One
Glad to hear it.[Logicaavik returns to the command centre. Hippocrates makes a thorough yet technically useless inspection of the wreckage. She then positions the metal sheet over the hole and begins hammering away. The other dragons stare studiously at the forward viewscreen, trying vainly to ignore the loud pounding. Cut to Alpha Draconi's Ready Lair. Alpha is trying to polish some gems from her hoard, but the pounding is too much for her. She puts her work down and rubs her temples. Back on the bridge, Hippocrates continues to hammer away, oblivious to the fact that the jarring of the hammer is causing the doors to dislodge from their frame. Finally, one of them separates entirely and falls into the SSISTT, followed by Hippocrates' hammer.]
Hippocrates
Oops.[Cut to Ready Lair in time to see Alpha Draconi's reaction to the almighty clang which resonates throughout the ship when the dislodged door makes contact with a SSISTT pod on a lower deck.]
Alpha Draconi
Writer preserve us!Voice of Laura
Whine, whine, whine.Alpha Draconi
Hippocrates is out there destroying my ship!Voice of Laura
YOUR ship?Alpha Draconi
You know what I mean.Voice of Laura
You're the one who put Hippocrates on maintenance detail.Alpha Draconi
What else was I supposed to do with her? No, nevermind that. I have more important questions for you.Voice of Laura
Yes?Alpha Draconi
When are we going to get off the Peril? We're halfway through the third episode and we're still ship bound. Won't the audience get bored with that?Voice of Laura
Planetside episodes are expensive, but don't worry, I have some other tricks up my sleeve.Alpha Draconi
Like what?Voice of Laura
Well, for one, I plan to have some really fascinating guest stars meet up with the Peril in the upcoming weeks.Alpha Draconi
Who?Voice of Laura
You'll just have to wait and see.Alpha Draconi
You're not very forthcoming with information, are you?Voice of Laura
Nope.Alpha Draconi
Well, what can you do for me right now? I've got to get the focus away from that blasted SSISTT.Voice of Laura
Will you settle for encountering an unmanned capsule, adrift in space, with some interesting cargo aboard?Alpha Draconi
Do I have a choice?Voice of Laura
You're catching on Alpha. Yikes! Look at the time! I've got to run. Lucy is appearing on Rosie today. Can't miss that![Alpha Draconi begins to formulate a question but discards that idea when she realizes Our Writer is already long gone. Alpha is about to return to her polishing when the red alert sirens start blaring. She flies across the lair, stopping at the last second to allow the doors to open for her safe passage. Back on the bridge, red lights are flashing everywhere, the siren is unbelievably loud, and pandemonium has broken loose.]
Alpha Draconi
What's going on?[To be continued ...]
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