DSA of LDM Episode One

Deep Space Adventures of Laura's Demented Mind

Episode One

[Pan of the bridge of the Dragon Ship Peril. Humagon sits at the Conn. Ops is 'manned' by the ever versatile and efficient 2nd Shift. The upper level houses the cybernetic chief engineer and science officer Speedy-Go Dragon, as well as the ship's chief of security, the mighty warrior Aerfen. The camera pan returns to the command centre where chief medical officer Hippocrates is playing 'Go Fish' with the Peril's psychiatrist Psi Phile and 1st Officer Logicaavik One. The doors to the Super-Speedy Intra-Ship Transport Tube open with a 'whoosh' sound, and Admiral Alpha Draconi steps out onto the bridge.]

Aerfen

Admiral on deck!

Alpha Draconi

Cut that out!

Logicaavik One

But they always do it on 'Star Trek'.

Alpha Draconi

Well this ain't 'Star Trek' honey.

Logicaavik One

Then what is it?

Alpha Draconi

This is Deep Space Adventures of Laura's Demented Mind, [All shudder.] and we have real work to do here. I don't want any of you wasting time playing 'Jack in the Box' whenever I walk into a room. I'm a regular dragon being, just like the rest of you. [Flip through shots of Speedy-Go, Humagon and then 2nd Shift (who is filing the talons of one foreclaw with a large diamond, feeding herself an unidentifiable chunk of meat through the mouth of one head, flossing the teeth of her second, staring dumbfoundedly at Alpha with the third, performing operations on her terminal with two foreclaws - and still has a spare foreclaw, with which she is drumming idly on the arm of her chair.] All right. Maybe not exactly like the rest of you. The point is, you can't be jumping up and down all of the time. Dragons are large creatures. If we're shooting a nice, tight, sit-down scene, and, all of a sudden, one of you stands up - your head is out of the shot. The director would have to reposition all of the cameras and shoot the entire scene again. We'd be into overtime every day.

Humagon

Who is the director?

Alpha Draconi

Our Writer, of course.

Humagon

She's the writer AND the director?

Alpha Draconi

And the Producer.

Humagon

I'm not sure I like that.

Alpha Draconi

Face it dragons. As far as we're concerned, Our Writer might as well be a god. She holds the fate of us all in her Demented Mind. [All shudder. Camera shakes about.]

2nd Shift

[Aside to Humagon.] What's with the shaking?

Humagon

Turbulence.

2nd Shift

Turbulence?

Humagon

Just go with it.

[2nd Shift shrugs and gives an extra shake for good measure, but the camera is still by this time, and the other dragons all give her strange looks.]

2nd Shift

Sorry. Just practicing. I want to be sure to get it right. I am so thrilled to be here with all of you! This is such an honour! You don't know how much of an honour this is! I'm your biggest fan! The BIGGEST FAN! Wow! I still can't believe that I'm on Deep Space Adventures...

Alpha Draconi

Enough already! Now, all of you, get back to work.

Psi Phile

But Admiral -

Alpha Draconi

Alpha.

Psi Phile

I beg your pardon?

Alpha Draconi

We don't use titles in the Deep Space of Laura's Demented [All shudder.] Mind. My name is Alpha Draconi. You will all address me as such.

Psi Phile

Yes ma'am. I mean Alpha. I'm sorry Admir - er, Alpha.

Hippocrates

Why is that Alpha? Why no titles?

Alpha Draconi

Our Writer won't allow it.

Hippocrates

Why not?

Alpha Draconi

She mentioned something about titles being the product of a heinous, oppressive, class system.

Hippocrates

I don't understand.

Speedy-Go Dragon

I believe the reference is to any of a number of societies, including the one in which Our Writer lives, where certain citizens are thought to be better or more important than other citizens. Rank is determined by anything ranging from age to gender to job description to birthright to...

Alpha Draconi

Thank-you Speedy.

Speedy-Go Dragon

The list goes on.

Aerfen

And on. And on...

Speedy-Go Dragon

The point is, titles are used to identify rank within a class system. That is why Our Writer doesn't like them.

Alpha Draconi

The point is, Our Writer doesn't like titles. That is why we can't use them. Now, back to work!

Psi Phile

But Alpha, we haven't introduced the crew.

Alpha Draconi

I didn't realize the crew needed introductions. Anyone who wants to read our bios can go to the cast page.

Psi Phile

That's true. It's just that... I feel it would be a good idea to introduce everyone here, since this is the first episode of DSA of LDM. You could say a few words about each of the crew members - if only to clarify for us what exactly it is that we're supposed to be doing here. Life in Laura's Demented Mind [shudder] can be somewhat confusing.

Alpha Draconi

Introductions are not in the script.

Psi Phile

They're in my script.

Humagon

Mine too, Alpha.

Chorus of:

They're in mine. I have it. They're right here. Etc., etc.

Alpha Draconi

Let me see that! [She grabs Aerfen's script and scans the page.] I don't believe this! What kind of an outfit are we running here? They revised the script, and nobody bothered to tell me? I'm supposed to be the star! Who's responsible for distributing the scripts?

Humagon

Our Writer?

Alpha Draconi

Oh yeah. All right. Somebody move a teleprompter in to where I can see it, and I'll do my best.

[There is much commotion on the set as the crew tries to make up for Our Writer's oversight. Finally, everything is in order, and the dragon's are called back to their places. Cut to head shot of Alpha Draconi, staring straight ahead and squinting at the teleprompter.]

Alpha Draconi

[Monotone.] The Peril's current first officer is Logicaavik One. Indicate L1. Huh? [Realization dawns.] Oh. Sorry. [She indicates Logicaavik One with a great flourish.]

[The shot cuts to Logicaavik One and stays on her for the duration of her introduction. Logicaavik One, seeing that she is on camera, strikes a few poses.]

Alpha Draconi

Logicaavik is my right hand, my best friend and the voice of reason who keeps me sane.

Speedy-Go Dragon [Cut to Speedy-Go, who makes the most of her time in the spotlight. Each introduction is handled in this fashion, since it is obvious that Alpha Draconi is having some problems working with the teleprompter.] serves as both science officer and chief engineer. This workload might seem to be a bit much for an ordinary dragon, but Speedy-Go is no ordinary dragon. She doesn't need to sleep, so Our Writer figured it was fair enough to stick her with two jobs.

Hippocrates is the finest physician of all time and a master of modern medicine. Technically brilliant... [Aside] Technically brilliant?! [Hippocrates is trying - unsuccessfully - to determine how to use a not-particularly hi-tech oral thermometer.] ... I am thrilled to have Hippocrates as a member of my crew.

Psi Phile employs her considerable empathic and telepathic talents in her position as ship's psychiatrist. [Aside] Am I reading this right? Surely Our Writer, of all people, knows that Psi Phile has no real telepathic abilities! [Psi Phile, who has been kneeling with her eyes closed and her talons pressed against her temples in her interpretation of 'receiving telepathic signals' overhears this last remark and opens one eye to glare at Alpha Draconi.]

Aerfen is a mighty warrior in the tradition of her own namesake, as well as such legendary greats as Athena, Hippolyta, Xena and Tank Girl. [Aerfen goes into a warrior haze and mounts a full scale attack against a fly which has landed on her work station. The entire upper level of the bridge is destroyed in the process, and 2nd Shift quickly moves in to begin repairs.]

Humagon is a celebrated diplomat who came along for the ride in an attempt to keep us out of trouble. [Humagon looks sadly from the dead fly to Aerfen and back again to the fly. She sighs.]

Then there's 2nd Shift. She does whatever we need her to do. [2nd Shift is SO HAPPY she looks fit to burst.] 2nd Shift won this role in a contest we held in conjunction with Piggy Wiggy Potato Chip Products [Group shot of everyone chowing down on Piggy Wiggy Potato Chips] and we're all going to do our very best to make her feel welcome here on the set of DSA.

That's it.

Psi Phile

Is that everybody?

Alpha Draconi

That's the end of the script.

Psi Phile

A crew of eight? On a ship this size?

Alpha Draconi

Well, Logicaavik has a couple of friends, but they don't show up until later. Then there's our bartender, Snoopy, but he doesn't come on the bridge very often. Sheds too much.

Psi Phile

But we haven't got a captain.

Alpha Draconi

I am the captain of this vessel.

Psi Phile

But you're an Admiral.

Alpha Draconi

Rank is irrelevant in the Deep Space of Laura's Demented Mind. [All shiver.] Would you rather have Jimbo Kirk?

Everyone

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alpha Draconi

I thought not. All right then. Battlestations everyone. Bring the Amazing Capacity to Ignore the Laws of Physics Engines online... and - Engage.

Logicaavik One

But Admir- I mean, Alpha, we haven't laid in a course.

Alpha Draconi

Oh yeah. Okay, let me think. [She ponders the problem for a while, then walks towards the front of the bridge, carefully picking her way over the destruction left by Aerfen's encounter with the fly.] Second star to the right and onward till morning.

Logicaavik One

Alpha, we're in the far reaches of Deep Space. When is morning?

Alpha Draconi

Good question Logicaavik.

Aerfen

You haven't the foggiest of a notion as to when morning is, have you?

Alpha Draconi

Well, Our Writer never quite figured that one out.

Voice of Laura

That's right. Blame the writer. Everyone always does. What a copout!

Alpha Draconi

It's about time you showed up.

Voice of Laura

Yes, well, I thought I should put in an appearance - this being the pilot episode and all - but don't get used to it. I'm a pretty busy person.

Alpha Draconi

Well, we're glad you could drop by.

Voice of Laura

That's fabulous. Now, I believe your crew are awaiting some instructions. Hmm?

Alpha Draconi

Yes. Yes, of course. All right then. Second star to the right and onward till... till we hit something.

The others

Till we hit something?!

Alpha Draconi

Have you got a better idea? [Space adventure music starts up. (Dunn da daaa. Dunn da daaa. Ta Daaaaaaaa. Etc., etc.)] Our mission is to explore strange [all shudder] new worlds, to seek out bizarre life [more shudders] and insane civilizations, [Shake, rattle and roll. The turbulence is rocking the entire bridge by this point, and everyone pitches about wildly.] to boot any limiting directives out of the airlock, and to go boldly where no dragon has gone before - into the Deep Space of Laura's Demented Mind.

[With a final quake, the dragon's fling themselves from their seats and crash onto the deck. When the turbulence finally stops, Alpha Draconi pushes away the dragons who lie sprawled on top of her, pulls herself up into the command chair and points to the main viewscreen.]

Alpha Draconi

Let's see what's out there.

[More space adventure music as the credits scroll past. Then some inane commercials.]

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