Deep Space Adventures of Laura's Demented Mind
Episode Two
[Wide shot of the bridge of the D.S. Peril. The officers are clambering back to their posts in the aftermath of last episode's turbulence. Logicaavik One, Hippocrates and Psi Phile pick up the playing cards which have scattered all around the deck. The damage inflicted upon the upper level by Aerfen has been miraculously repaired during the commercial break.]
Hippocrates
Would you care to join us in a game of Go Fish, Alpha?Alpha Draconi
We're at battle stations Hippocrates. Shouldn't you be off preparing your sickbay for an imminent medical emergency?Hippocrates
I would Alpha, but my contract stipulations regarding air time dictate that I must remain on the bridge for the duration of this scene. Besides, I have no idea how to work any of the equipment in sickbay.Alpha Draconi
Just push some buttons, and the techies will make the lights flash in pretty patterns.Hippocrates
That's it?Alpha Draconi
Look around you Hippocrates. Do you think that any of us actually knows how to use the newfangled gadgetry which the designers keep thrusting upon us? Just make it look good, and everyone will believe that you are the greatest physician who ever lived. Anyhow, I suppose that, since it's in your contract, you can stay. What about you Psi Phile? Don't you have work to do?[Psi Phile places her foreclaws on her temples and concentrates furiously.]
Psi Phile
I'm not sensing anything right now Alpha.Aerfen
Surprise, surprise.[Psi Phile shoots Aerfen a hostile glare.]
Alpha Draconi
All right, Psi Phile can stay too. Logicaavik, you're our 1st officer. Surely you have something to do.Logicaavik One
Not that I'm aware of.Alpha Draconi
Should you not take over my responsibilities when I am otherwise occupied? I think that my involvement in this card game would qualify as one such occurrence.Logicaavik One
But what is there that you have to do?Alpha Draconi
Good point Logicaavik. Right then, everyone stays, and we have a fourth - so we will play Bridge. After all, this is the bridge.Humagon
Why don't you play with them Aerfen?Aerfen
Warriors do not play Bridge. That is an intellectual game.Humagon
What's the matter Aerfen? Don't you know how to play?Aerfen
Of course I do! I just choose not to.Alpha Draconi
We can't play with five dragons anyhow. Hippocrates, deal the cards.[Hippocrates does so.]
Psi Phile
I'll try not to read any of your thoughts. That way, this will be a fair game.Alpha Draconi
That's very noble of you Psi Phile.[There is a general snickering amongst the crew, but when Psi Phile looks around, she is unable to pinpoint any individual perpetrators. The card game eventually gets underway and proceeds without incident until...]
Humagon
We're gaining speed Alpha!Speedy-Go
She's right Alpha. Now approaching 7c. 8c. 9c. ...Alpha Draconi
Did you increase power to the ACILP Engines Humagon?Humagon
Yes, I did, Alpha.Alpha Draconi
Well, that would explain a lot, wouldn't it? Decrease speed to 6c.Humagon
Engines not responding.Alpha Draconi
Reverse thrusters!Humagon
Engines... not... respond... ing!Speedy-Go
The ACILP Engine core is overheating. She's gonna blow![Speedy-Go takes off running for the SSISTT and crashes into the doors which haven't opened in time for her arrival. She staggers back, and the doors 'whoosh' open. Speedy-Go lurches into the SSISTT, and the doors 'whoosh' shut behind her. The other dragons all stare after her for a moment, then they turn slowly to Alpha Draconi. Realizing that the others' eyes are all upon her (including all six of 2nd Shift's eyes) Alpha Draconi searches for a way to take charge of the situation. She points to the SSISTT.]
Alpha Draconi
Follow her![Everyone rushes for the SSISTT. Aerfen arrives first and crashes into the doors which, once again, haven't opened in time. The others collide with her as she is staggering back. The doors 'whoosh' open and Alpha Draconi, shaking her head at the others, enters the SSISTT. Logicaavik One and Hippocrates fall in line to enter the tube behind Alpha Draconi, but Humagon, 2nd Shift, Psi Phile and the still stunned Aerfen all converge on the tube at the same time, and the five of them get stuck in the doorway. There is then much shouting and shoving as the Peril officers fight to fit their bodies into the SSISTT.]
[Cut to engineering, where chief engineer Speedy-Go Dragon is jumping up and down in agitation. The SSISTT doors open, and the rest of the crew spills out.]
Alpha Draconi
Status, Speedy-Go?Speedy-go
The central processing unit which regulates the flow of coolant mixture through the engine core is off-line.Alpha Draconi
Come again?Speedy-Go
The engine needs a new ice pack.Alpha Draconi
That's not good, is it?Speedy-Go
Not good at all.Alpha Draconi
How long will it take you to fix it?Speedy-Go
Ten minutes.Alpha Draconi
Do it in five.Speedy-Go
Okay Alpha, but containment failure will occur in two minutes.Voice of Computer
[As if on cue.] Engine containment failure in two minutes.Aerfen
The computer sounds an awful lot like you Humagon. Don't the rest of you think so?[Everyone nods in agreement.]
Humagon
Oh, great. While you all stand around comparing my vocal quality to that of a machine, we're going to be blown to bits by a cranky engine with a fever. This is your chance to be a hero Aerfen.Aerfen
[Puffing out her chest and roaring.] I am ready to serve!Humagon
Good. Now, get up there and hug the engine core casing.The Others
What?!Humagon
Hug the engine core.Aerfen
Warriors do not -Humagon
Look, if we can exert enough pressure on the outside of the casing, we may be able to keep it intact long enough for Speedy-Go to get the coolants flowing again. Now, HUG THE BLASTED ENGINE CORE![Everyone rushes to do as Humagon has suggested, except for Speedy-Go who is furiously fighting with a computer console.]
Alpha Draconi
[Looking around in alarm.] Who's flying the ship?[The dragons look around at each other. Simultaneously:]
All Scream
SNOOPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![Logicaavik One and 2nd Shift climb down from the engine core and rush for the SSISTT. Logicaavik One grabs 2nd Shift by her thoracic spines, narrowly preventing her from crashing into the tube doors. They wait for the doors to open, then rush inside. The doors 'whoosh' shut behind them.]
Voice of Computer
Engine containment failure in one minute.Aerfen
I still say the computer sounds like you Humagon.Humagon
Shut up Aerfen. How long till the coolants are back on line Speedy?Speedy-Go
I'm working on it!Psi Phile
Don't anybody look now, but I think the engine core casing is starting to crack up.[Sure enough, the casing sprouts forth fractures ALL OVER THE PLACE.]
Speedy-Go
That's it then. It's over.[Speedy-Go takes out a handkerchief, dabs at her eyes and blows her snout. The handkerchief is incinerated in a huge ball of flame.]
Speedy-Go
It was good working with all of you.Voice of Computer
Engine containment failure in thirty seconds.Aerfen
Doesn't anyone else think that the computer sounds like Humagon?Everyone Else
SHUT UP AERFEN!Alpha Draconi
Wait a minute. This is only the 2nd episode of DSA. We can't destroy the Peril and its entire crew in the 2nd episode. There must be a way out of this situation.Hippocrates
Yes, but how?Alpha Draconi
I don't know. I'm open to suggestions. Everyone think quickly.Psi Phile
I've got it!Alpha Draconi
Yes?Psi Phile
We need a boy wonder.Alpha Draconi
A what?Psi Phile
A boy wonder. You know. To save the ship. Whenever the mature, well-educated, supposedly extremely knowledgeable and wise dragons can't figure their way out of a problem, the boy wonder comes in to save the day. Where's our boy wonder?Alpha Draconi
I read you the entire crew manifest in Episode One. You know as well as I do that we haven't got a boy wonder.Psi Phile
That has to be a mistake. Maybe Our Writer forgot to include him. She can't really intend for us to navigate the Deep Space of her Demented Mind [Shudder.] without a boy wonder.Alpha Draconi
Oh, I think Our Writer can intend just about anything.Psi Phile
Let's ask her anyhow. It can't hurt to ask.Alpha Draconi
All right.All Call Out
Our Writer! Are you out there? We need you, Our Writer! Yoo-hoo! Please talk to us.Voice of Laura
What!?Alpha Draconi
We want to talk to you.Voice of Laura
This better be good.Alpha Draconi
There's no need to be so hostile.Voice of Laura
Look. I'm here aren't I. You want to talk. So talk.Alpha Draconi
The engine core is about to explode, destroying the Peril and all of us in the process. We need your help.Voice of Laura
For this you dragged me away from Xena?!Alpha Draconi
What's Xena?Voice of Laura
Never mind.Alpha Draconi
Are you going to help us?Voice of Laura
You are dragons! You're supposed to be noble, fierce and intelligent. Alpha Draconi, you are the first 'seeing one' and yet you can't see your way out of a little engine trouble. What do you lot think you should do about this situation?Psi Phile
I was thinking that we needed a boy wonder. I know that there wasn't one in the original cast, but maybe you could write one in for us.Voice of Laura
There will be no boy wonders on DSA of LDM!Alpha Draconi
You're going to just let us die?Voice of Laura
Of course I'm not going to let you die. Here. Try this. [A myriad of small, foil wrapped packages rain down from the heavens.] Now, do you think you can handle things yourselves for a while? If I hurry, I'll still be able to catch the conclusion of Xena.Psi Phile
But, what are we supposed to do with-Alpha Draconi
Don't bother. She's already gone.[Speedy-Go picks up one of the packages and examines it.]
Alpha Draconi
What is it?Speedy-Go
I believe this is chewing gum.Hippocrates
What's chewing gum?Speedy-Go
A sticky, rubbery compound on which some humans like to chew.Hippocrates
They just chew it?Speedy-Go
Yes.Hippocrates
They don't eat it?Speedy-Go
Not intentionally.Hippocrates
What's the point in that?Speedy-Go
My data banks contain no information on that subject.Humagon
I have an idea!Alpha Draconi
Let's hear it.Humagon
Let's all chew some of the gum. When it gets all gooey, we can use it to stick the engine casing back together.Alpha Draconi
It's worth a try.[Speedy-Go gathers up the gum packages and distributes them to the other dragons who are still hugging the splintering engine casing.]
Psi Phile
Can you chew gum Speedy-Go?Speedy-Go
Of course I can. I am designed to exceed dragon and human capacity in many facets of your meagre existence.[Speedy-Go crams a whole pack of gum into her mouth and power-chews, without stopping to take off the wrappers. The others do the best they can, chewing furiously and plastering the moistened gum onto the cracks, until Speedy-Go becomes exasperated with their inefficiency and shoves them all out of the way. The other dragons watch in awe as Speedy-Go power-chews and power-plasters until the entire engine casing is covered in chewing gum. She steps back, and everyone admires her work.]
Speedy-Go
[Checking the monitor of the primary engineering computer terminal.] Coolants are back on line.[A cheer goes up amongst the group. Space adventure music starts up as everyone heads for the SSISTT. They all stop and wait for the doors to open, then, as one mass, they step towards the tube. Realizing what is about to happen, they stop and begin to offer each other the privilege of leading the way. This quickly escalates into an argument, until Alpha Draconi, in exasperation, pushes her way to the front, just in time to smash into the closing doors.]
[Cut to inane commercials.]
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